Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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