the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
