he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
