Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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