I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
