The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
