Don't EVER smell your tampon
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
