tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
