it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
