So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
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Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
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I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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