Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
