i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My liver just had a heart attack.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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