Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
