**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
