Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
