I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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