life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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