Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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