Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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