plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
