You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
