Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
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we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
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Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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