Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
