Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
