Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
