Someone shit on the floor
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
