We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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