he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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