I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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