"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My penis needs a shock collar
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
