ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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