Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
That accounts for only three of the penises
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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