I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
