the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
