I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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