This dress was meant to end up on your floor
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Another day, another engagement, another cat
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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