youre lurking in front of me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
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