I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
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I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
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I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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