Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
