so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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