You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
