I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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