why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
