My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Boobs speak an international language.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
