we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
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My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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