I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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