I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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