He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
