All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
