somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I AM VODKA MAN
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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