Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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