Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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