he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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