We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
