Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Did I show you my penis last night?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
