then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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